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Ten Year LOVE LIFE <3

No one else would understand our relationship, and no one else in this world would understand me the way you do.  – Unknown

A lot of good love can happen in ten years. – Jim Carrey 

Growing up I always looked up to my grandparents, well more to my grandmother to be exact in relationships. She painted out this fairytale relationship that everyone should have. I thought that’s how all relationships were automatically. At that age I thought even she had one, which I later understood she didn’t. Well, not to outsiders, it was all a matter of perception. My grandfather was her first “love” (her at 16 – him already with a previous daughter) which nowadays would definitely even be questionable to most parents. To make a long story short they ended up having three more kids (my mom the baby) and you would never know my grandfathers first daughter was even from a first marriage because those ARE all my aunts, uncles, cousins, one big happy family and end of story.

In my family we’ve had all types of relationship examples from my grandparents which were extremely traditional marriages until death do us part on both sides which I think is just BEAUTIFUL. Down to Mom and Dad being amicably divorced before I was out of elementary school which has become somewhat normal nowadays. What I think hasn’t been AS normal is I feel they get along MORE now than they did when they were married. As a kid part of my nightly prayer routine was to make them stop fighting whatever it took, I guess it happened. Come college I found this guy, one that had been staring me in the face as a friend at work for years that I had never seen it, total friend zone. We sat in the same office, worked on the same projects, IMed constantly and even talked romantic advice about other guys… How naive and stupid could I have been!!! Wow. Looking back why and how did he wait. How amazing of a man to not walk and say ‘blind 19 yr old girl’ and patiently wait.

I’ve always been a strong believer in life, fate and it’s coincidental timing. Something crazy happened in the summer of 2004 that we decided to go past the friend zone. We weren’t quite ready to tell everyone; partially because we worked together and partially because we didn’t know where it was going and didn’t want everyone to get involved. By Mauricio’s bday in August we still were keeping it quiet which was strange because some of his friends are great with figuring things out (Alex) and others are very different than anything I had ever been used to (Hiram & Juan). In Nov my world came to a halt and I couldn’t be more grateful for Mauricio. My grandfather, the one that was always around to pick me up from school, basically that Cuban stay at home dad that everyone has, passed away. That’s when Mauricio and I officially “came out” to my family and friends. He became my rock. They were mourning as was I but I needed someone that was solid and wouldn’t fall apart on me outside the family. What was most consoling was that I had the peace of mind that my grandfather knew him and liked him before he passed. Very few weeks later the doctors told my grandmother that she needed open heart surgery immediately or she would only have months to live. Seeing as how her life long partner her just died she declined the surgery. The battles began. Her biggest excuse being that she didn’t have the proper care after the surgery. It’s at that point I decided that the chips were piled too much on the other side. I signed my transfer papers from UF to FIU after Spring 2005 and moved home. I talked to my boss to switch my schedule to become my grandmothers official caregiver from 5am-3pm daily then work 330pm-730pm. AND I officially got myself a BOYFRIEND!! It was so crazy to call him that by that then because it had become to effortless and been so nature that when we told people we actually had to go back an pick an anniversary based on dates we know we had actually gone on and done things so it is more than 10 years today!!! ❤️

Part of me thinks I wouldn’t have helped my grandma, stayed sane, made the move, finished school, or been the person I am today without him by my side. The other part of me KNOWS I wouldn’t have. Everyday I’m with him I can’t help but think that my grandparents were more right that when it’s the person they just fit, it’s right, it’s effortless, no rush and there’s no explanation needed.

I think we’ve been one of those lucky couples where we don’t have these huge blow out fights, say mean things that we know we’ll take back later, and etc. The first few years I thought it was just the honeymoon phase and eventually this would all come crashing down and reality would set in but nope.. all good on this front THANKFULLY! I can’t lie and say that are perfect, agree on everything, don’t have disagreements, don’t get on each other’s nerves at times, aren’t times where we wish we could take a silent break but those are VERY VERY few and far between and it just such a glimpse of those MAJORITY of times to realize how truly lucky I am.

Almost 5 years ago when I got the brain tumor news this guy was standing at my hospital bedside while I cried my eyes out. About 5 weeks ago after I had the stroke after brain surgery and couldn’t speak or communicate, was so frustrated all I could do was cry he was not even BY my bedside he was IN my bed while I cried my eyes out. He understood every thought. Basically every time I’ve given up and broken down to that “I have to be strong” front I put up he’s been with there, mostly because he pulls it out and knows it’s back there. He always knows how to be there, say the right thing, be there at the right time, give me the right look, and the right hug for just long enough to put me back together. He calms me.

At any time he could have walked. There was no commitment, there still isn’t. Not 10 years ago, not 5 years ago, not today; that’s always been very clear. I don’t own you. You stay as long as you are happy, in love and continue to be so, I think I learned that from the multiple style relationships I grew up with. I would rather someone that stay feel that way or feel forced to stay unhappy. You find another guy on the street and he might have walked out of that hospital night 5 years ago, let not even talk about all the craziness a few weeks ago. Not my guy, I can’t even say what THAT says.

“More Than Words”
Saying I love you

Is not the words I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
Cos I’d already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn’t make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Happy Anniversary. I can’t say it enough. I love you.

 Let’s celebrate our anniversary and raise a toast to our togetherness. Sweetheart, I cherish the memories that I share with you.

A Glimpse of Normal LIFE!

Albeit being posted a bit late so excited about it! Finally a weekend that felt somewhat like normalcy and luckily a long one!!

Friday: Kicking off with 4th of July! The yearly all day Biltmore outdoor plans were hesitantly cancelled because of the uncertain weather. The last thing any of us wanted was to be running through muddy puddles in the rain and sitting in traffic for no fireworks anyway (or a recap of last year). The day started fairly early at the mall with Mom (“The First Lady of Cutler Bay” as I like to refer to her lately) to find something for her to wear for the fireworks event that night. After amazing ourselves with the ease of parking AND finding a few outfit options we moved onto our next mall task. With Mauricio and I’s anniversary creeping up (TEN YEARS on Monday!!! Don’t worry a post will be coming up soon about it) and all the recent event’s taking up so much more time than I expected (stupid brain surgery and complications) I needed to pick up his gift! Luckily I had a short list and that was easy too! Mom dropped me off at Mauricio’s and she moved on for her First Lady duties. We (Honey and I) opted for a quiet dinner for two in the Gables (which was really empty and without a drop of rain oddly) and made for a lovely date night!

Saturday: The next morning started with a great diner breakfast with Dad and Nancy. One of those, take half home and still be full type of places, but it was great. Props to Nancy which will make her the permanent “picker of food places for the future”. Although it definitely required a nap and lazy few hours around the house instead of housework (partially because of how early we went not entirely how full we got)! The rest of the day was actually like a normal mall and errand weekend with Honey which hadn’t happened in so long. Must say it was nice to feel back into our pre-surgery routine 🙂

Sunday was another lazy day with Honey… I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I had enjoyed one of those. It was nice to just sit there and do nothing (by choice). No doctors, machines, nurses, not locked up in my own house. It felt like we were just hanging out and being US, not like he was my “chaperone” which was our latest term for someone being over or around me to watch that I was ok all the time. Not that I don’t understand the need or importance of that right now, it just a little old and irritating already. And sunday night became an old resumed traditional Sunday night with my Dad that we had not done in quite awhile, dinner with my dad and sisters. Imagine sitting at a restaurant with your Dad and siblings, EXACTLY, always eventful and you can never run far away or fast enough… eventually they become “memories”.

So after what seemed like riding the worlds longest roller coaster it seemed like it was finally coming to it’s final destination with a weekend of normalcy. It’s almost like you can hear that perfect announcer voice over the speaker telling you to “remain seated with all arms, feet and belongings in the carts until the ride employee assists you off. Please remember to exit to the right side of your cart and thank you for riding. We hope you have a great day!” Except this was waaaaaay more than a roller coaster and 30 seconds at an amusement park!

-V

Life with Seizures

Have you ever woken up in the middle of a dream startled not knowing what day or time it is only to realize it wasn’t a dream? Have you ever laid in a completely dark room with the worst insomnia but can’t sleep over the sound of your own breathing and heartbeat? Have you ever struggled to find a word on the tip of your tongue while your brain yells at you loudly that you should know this? Have you ever had what you thought was déjà vu of something so bad you keep hoping it’s only déjà vu and not actually happening again? Have you ever stared at the people you love asking who they are, what your birthday is, where you are and not be able to answer? Have you ever been so mad at yourself and felt so utterly helpless that the only thing you can do is cry? I have.

All of the above. Yes.

Multiple times. yes.

Unfortunately yes.

Every time I’ve had a seizure in my sleep, yes.

Luckily always only in my sleep, yes.

Thankfully never alone, YES.

August 16 2009. I was supposed to have breakfast with a friend. A quiet Sunday breakfast to catch up. Unfortunately my body was in the middle of crazy work schedule time so I was up early, checked my cell phone clock happy to catch a few more minutes to snooze. Next thing I know I’m laying in my room surrounded by a bunch of strangers (which I not so quickly realized were paramedics) with my sisters, dad and boyfriend standing at the door staring. The look on their faces is etched into memory. Sheer panic and terror. Tears streaming down my little sisters face as she carried our puppy. The next few minutes and hours are fuzzy, almost a blur. I later find out that this is just the beginning of something that happens in movies and books not real life. Except it is real and it’s mine, a brain tumor? Me?

Life info

The more you know the more you grow.

Knowledge is power.

I’m an information junkie. A bookworm, a never-ending list of questions (just ask my doctors), Google is my best friend (and no not just my sister which someone nicknamed “Google”). I’ve always had this calling to words and writing, I just can’t get enough. I want answers and explanations. “Because” is never enough. This whole experience has only fed into that and broadened my soapbox of questioning all.

-Vane

Life had just started…

You’re never alone when you’re reading a book.

Reading is dreaming with open eyes

I love books. As a child I wanted to be a librarian. I dreamed of sitting in a bookstore all day. Clearly I watched too much beauty and the beast. As I grew libraries didn’t hold the fascination they did as a child; maybe it was that I could now see over and through the books or that the Internet was just a click away? It makes me sad to think that there are kids out there who never have or will look through a card catalogue to find their book. Story time on the beanbags in the children’s section will be unheard of. Feeling like you own the world because you got your own library card. Won’t have to walk over to the shelves and hunt for the book that was organized incorrectly because one little decimal faded making that 8 look like a 3. The kids that won’t ever know the smell of a book being opened off the shelf for the first time in a long time.

-Vane

Make it happen!

I really don’t know why I start writing or better yet, why I waited until now to write. I stumble across so many articles, blogs, and books written by people about their experiences and during rough patches that someone out there finds and connects with. I’ve connected with so many. I’ve come across so many that sparked a question, a thought, pulled at my heart strings and then mended it all back. I wish I had started sooner in this journey and maybe if that would’ve made any part of this easier for someone out there then it would’ve been great. But really, it makes it better for me. Now it just feels like a rush to word vomit everything in some sort of sensible format.

My biggest fear is losing my words. Of course for as life would have it, one of the most at risk areas for surgery (what surgery? See Medical Life section…) is language and communication. There’s so much advice out there telling preoperative people to write letters and tell people everything you feel so I guess I’m not the only one afraid of losing words. Part of me is curious as to how many people are out there without any of those issues, how many went through this with flying colors and don’t share. I guess that’s what made me start this… Hopefully it’ll also be what makes me keep doing this. And hopefully it helps someone out there but deep down, I know it’s for me.

Whether you are just passing through or keep finding your way back here, welcome and I hope you get something out of it as I have.

-Vane